Author Interview: THE B-SIDE

If you don't already know, my first novel, THE B-SIDE, is here (check out the links by pressing the "Books" tab). With the first copies already floating around, my beta reader suggested I publish some responses to questions regarding the book and the publishing process. We collected YOUR questions, on top of hers, and sat down to talk about all things THE B-SIDE. Here's a glimpse into that conversation and a look into the world I created.

You wrote a whole book. That's insane.

It is! I remember when I first started taking writing seriously and I could only make it to like 25,000 words before tapering off and getting bored. THE B-SIDE ended up being like 97,000 or something which I never imagined I could do. A lot of this project was just proving to myself that I could do it.

Well, you succeeded. THE B-SIDE isn't what I expected from you at all and I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just told from a male point of view, Dan's, and I was surprised by that. How did you choose and navigate this foreign POV?

I was surprised too, if we're being honest here. This story was never meant to be a full novel and I think that's exactly why it became one. The short answer to your question is a bad case of writer's block and a Fall Out Boy B-side.

The full answer is much better though. I was really struggling to write something of substance. Typically, I would be focusing on telling a feminist story, revolving around a strong female character and generally subjects that were very personal to me. In retrospect, I guess I was a little too close to those stories to fully develop them.

I've always derived my creativity from music and I distinctly remember lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling trying to come up with something, when Fall Out Boy's "G.I.N.A.S.F.S." came on. There's a lyric in that song, I think it's "Born under a bad sign, you saved my life / That night on the roof of your hotel." I heard that and immediately saw a scene in my head. It never ended up making it in the book, but it was Dan having to talk Travis down from a ledge. That was the first scene I wrote and then the rest of the story developed from there. By the time I ran out of things to say about these broken people, it was a really lengthy novel.

I never really gave the POV a second thought though. I think it helps that Dan's character is more sensitive and emotionally cognizant. That really allowed me to explore the things I wanted to. I mean, if John Green can write from an angsty teen girl's POV, why can't I write as a screwed up guy my own age? That's the beauty of writing. You're allowed to be someone else for a while.

It wasn't just gender though. As the book goes on, it's revealed Dan is part of the LGBTQ+ community. Could you tell me more about that?

While I gave virtually no thought to writing from a man's POV, I carefully considered Dan's sexuality. Before anyone reads this book, I need them to know a few things and ideally, they will read my response to this question.

I am not a member of the LGBTQ+ community. I do, however, consider myself an ally. A mentor once told me a good ally is someone who actively works to help the community. Everyone else is complacent and just claiming the label. I suppose you could say this is just one of the ways I'm trying to actively be a good ally. There will always be a place for queer characters and people in the things I create.

In all the feminist theory I've studied, bi-erasure (and pan-erasure) has always been one of the things to really get under my skin. There's a line towards the end of the book directly addressing this. Travis says something along the lines of always knowing Dan was gay and he responds with "I'm not gay" but that's as far as the conversation goes. I hope people recognize themselves in exchanges like this and they rethink what they think they know about sexuality.

Ultimately, there's two reasons I felt comfortable exploring Dan's sexuality, despite not being a queer man myself. First of all, I had no interest in telling yet another story about a straight white guy in rock scene culture. The world doesn't need that, so the second it started heading that direction I knew something had to give. Secondly, the story itself would have been nearly identical if Lindsay were a woman. (Spoiler alert!!) Dan still would have cheated, which would have led to the consequential events. Dan was having doubts about his and Steph's relationship long before Lindsay appears. All that being said, there was really no reason Dan needed to be straight and a few good reasons to let him be part of the queer community, so I let him expand into his full potential.

So, even though you're very far removed from the POV, I assume you still find connections between the story and your real life?

Oh, yeah. Totally.

Like what?

I mean, I was a singer the first chunk of my life. In a lot of ways, THE B-SIDE is me fulfilling that dream. The one thing I would literally kill to do is be the singer in a band but I never see that happening. The whole story is wish-fulfillment but twisted into a nightmare.

I also was going through a lot of personal issues when I was writing the book. I'd just gone through a break-up of sorts and I lost this person that had been anchoring me to earth for like half my life. Add on top of that it was my senior year of college and I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, I was entirely lost. Looking back, I think all of that went into making the story what it is.

You just said you were lost and I definitely see that in Dan. Throughout the novel, he really seems to struggle with his identity. Is that entirely because of your personal experiences or was there a reason to develop him this way?

Personal experience definitely played a role, but I think Dan is lost because he lost. Everything. In the beginning of the 2015 timeline, Dan appears to have everything but we know it isn't as great as it appears. He probably could have handled living that way, but things just keep getting worse for him and the accident is the climax of that.

Ultimately, I think Dan struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts but that isn't explicitly addressed in the text. We watch his mental health deteriorate as events unfold and that's why the last paragraph of the book really hits me. For the first time, he really wants to live and things still aren't perfect. They're barely good. I can't really see a version of the story where Dan is considered a happy person. We see flashes of it, but overall, he's struggling and that's what the story's about.

We see those flashes of happiness most often with his best friend, Travis. Why is it important for Dan and Travis to rekindle that friendship?

I'm going to say something a little controversial for anyone who's actually read the book. I think the relationship between Travis and Dan is more important than the one between Lindsay and Dan. Travis is this guy he grew up with. Dan measures himself by Travis. He tells us this over and over again. Dan doesn't really know a life without Travis and that's why I think he's more eager to reach out to him before Lindsay. Even if he doubts it, Dan could live without Lindsay. I'm not so sure he could do the same without Travis.

So the reunion was inevitable? Do you think they would have reunited without the push from Benji?

I think it was inevitable with Benji, but I don't think Dan would have sought Travis out without him, no. Dan was content to die in that cabin and if it weren't for Melissa and Benji, he would have.

We sort of talked about Lindsay earlier but I want to come back to him. Several times throughout the book he is described as being extremely similar to Dan. Why is this?

Alright, here's a hint for anybody who hasn't read it yet or anyone who's going to read it again...the whole story is full of mirrors. Lindsay is literally described as a mirror of Dan, except Dan is the reflection. Essentially, Dan falls for him because Lindsay is everything Dan himself is not. That's the biggest attraction for Dan. I think, by the end Dan realizes Lindsay isn't some better version of himself but is in fact his own unique person. It just takes him 300-some-odd pages to get there.

On the other hand, Travis is also a mirror for Dan. He is reckless; Dan is docile. They represent duality in a really cool way, I sometimes think of them as Gemini twins. If you want to look into it even further, you could say Matt and Steph are mirrors for Dan too, representing missed opportunities and lives passed by. They're all over the place if you look for them. Duality has always intrigued me and it's a different way of looking at crazy abstract ideas like soulmates.

Maybe we already covered this and I think I know the answer but which character do you relate to the most?

I mean, six months ago I would have said Dan without a second thought. Like I said, everything he went through and felt was remotely connected to something I was dealing with in my personal life. I lived my life as Dan for the better part of the months it took to write this thing.

Now, though, a few months removed, I probably relate the most to Benji. He is so eager and desperate to make something that changes the world. He's seeking validation from anyone who will give it to him and that's a huge recent college grad move.

Alright, just a couple more. You're really into alt-rock music and the whole scene that goes along with it. Obviously that influence is all over this book. That being said, is Neither Nor inspired by any of the bands you listen to?

Oh, God. I mean, yes, but not the ones you think. Anyone who knows me personally or even reads this blog regularly is going to have two or three bands that they're going to point to and say "That's where she got this," and the thing is it really wasn't them! No one's going to believe me but that's fine. Nah, actually when I picture Neither Nor, I picture a baby band like Selfish Things or Sleep On It (check them out if you haven't!). I know it may be a little confusing as to how big Neither Nor is but they aren't mammoths like MCR or Fall Out Boy. I think if the accident hadn't happened they could have become that big, which is part of the tragedy of it all. We'll never know.

Well, there goes the two I was thinking.

Yeah, I guess I dug myself a hole with that. Whatever. I love those bands with my whole heart and just because this book wasn't really influenced by them doesn't mean that the next project won't be.

Last question then. What do you want readers to take away from reading this novel?

Masculinity is too restrictive and sexuality isn't black and white. Haha, I mean, yes I want people to realize that but there's more. I want people to read this and see that there are reasons to stick around, reasons to keep on living. No matter how bad it gets, there's always the possibility it'll get better. I also want people to live a little fearlessly after reading Dan's story. Love a little harder, do something crazy, lean on your friends, because it could all be gone tomorrow. Say what needs to be said today and if you owe someone an apology, it's never too late. Most of all, I want people to walk away hopeful. That's all I can ask for.

Thank you for reading! Have questions about THE B-SIDE? Drop them below or message me! I'd love to talk about it more with you. And don't forget to get your copy NOW! // bcp